Little Yellow Birds

Coming back to this place because I need it.

We wants it.

No but really. The time starts again. The counting starts again. The addiction starts again.

I’m ready.

I hope I don’t fuck this up

It always seems when I’m left alone I get time to reflect. Its no surprise that I find myself regretting so much and digging up feelings I wish I could forget about.

Ive been hurt so much over the years. In a way that I dont think I’ll ever recover from. So many times people have turned on me, changed their opinions of me without trying to understand.

For once I’m not blaming myself. For once I’m not saying its my own fault. I’m not going down that road again. I made my choices and it affected those around me, but they were my choices to make. If anyone says I could of done it differently doesnt understand the position I was in. I wanted what i wanted at the time. I chose to go down that road, whether I was a stupid kid or not, but amongst all that mess, was my strength. I’m still here.

I wouldnt be if I hadn’t gone through all of that. I would of given up. I’m sure of it.

Some part of me believes I’m worth all of this trouble. 

At some point later tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day I’m sure I’ll feel unsettled and unable to cope, but all I know right now is that I’m content. With every mistake and every decision I’ve made, I am content. If anyone can say anything they can say I never held back. I never lay down with second best. I always went with my honest answer. I went with my heart.

People were lost along the way. People changed their minds, but I didn’t.

No matter how much it may tear me up inside. I have to let go of all of this pain. I have to just leave it behind. Before it eats me up inside. Before I lose everything in my life because of someone else. The only person that matters to me in the end, is me. I’m trying to understand that. Most of the time I just want to end it, to lose it all. To put a full stop on me. Thats it, all gone.

But that would be giving up now wouldnt it?

With all my bravado I think giving up would be a very sad end to me. As much as I dont think i mean it i dont think my family need that. They have gone through too much already. They ache too, they have been through this too. I know how they feel, and I want them to know I can hold on if they can.

Pilates times!

After taking my weight, it looks like im down to 10.2 stone (about 142 pounds)

At 6ft3, thats apparently underweight.

I cant understand why that would be overweight. I am in no way skinny. It may be me being shallow or what have you, but to be honest, I dont see it. I dont have my ribs showing. I dont have bony hips or tiny arms. I barely fit a size ten. 

Ive been told before that the BMI calculator is wrong. I think I may agree with this, as theres no way i can be underweight. 

Note: In no way am I starving myself, or depriving myself of food. I attempt to eat healthy and only deprive myself in the way of reducing the amount of food I eat. I still eat. 

In other news. I drank my weight in water today. Fantastic. Hopefully my skin will begin to improve some more =)

Maybe I have two high a hope for myself. Maybe I should really stop hoping to be a model. Maybe I should stop all of this motivation.

I cant.

I literally am addicted to this. I actually believe I can do it. Rather than giving up and putting it down to nothing, I still want to try.

I think I can do it. I think I could have a good chance at being a model, even if 6ft3 really is too tall for a model.

I have to try. At least once.

I just want to be tighter and thinner. Smaller. I need to stop all of this binging and eating badly. I cant help myself.

But I must. I must eat healthy. Vegetables and fruits. Water. Water. Water.

Keep going Vee.

almost done to 65kg =) 

This is good news!

In other news, theres a thunder storm going on and its awesome =D

One phonecall and my dreams are ruined